Category Archives: Contemplations

Unlike doctors who write books about what they know, I wrote one about things I don’t know. This little part of my blog is a place for me to ruminate on the universe of ideas I’m still struggling to understand.

Anthony Rapp is Back in Massachusetts with “Without You”

I have my ticket and I’m going back to see Anthony Rapp in “Without You.” He is doing his one-man show from September 9 to 13, 2015 at the Carling-Sorenson Theater at Babson College just outside Boston. I encourage you to go and be part of something incredible.

I went twice in 2012 when he came to Massachusetts. I wrote about it here (below). His story and his message have stuck with me ever since.

Years later, I continue my life as Mark, still trying to live, while others live and thrive around me.


Anthony Rapp in “Without You”

Posted on June 20, 2012 by bob

I went to see Anthony Rapp tonight in Boston at his one-man show, “Without You,” at the Modern Theatre at Suffolk University. It was incredible. I’m going back on Sunday to experience it again.

The timing of this is a bit serendipitous. I’ve been a huge fan of “Rent” for many years, and particularly of the character played by Mr. Rapp. There is something about Mark that reminds me of my own self and the relationship I have had with my daughter Patricia as she has struggled over the years. This week, I am finishing up my book, a memoir about those difficult times. Unlike “Rent” and AIDS, mine is about mental health, another difficult, but just as taboo subject. For some reason, “Rent” and Mark have found their way into its pages. Twice.

As I was leaving for the theater tonight, the UPS guy showed up with some new uncorrected book proofs. I thought for a second about bringing one and trying to figure out how to give it to Anthony — maybe he’d like to read it — to see how his story fits into ours. But I quickly dismissed it — he’s just an actor. He’s not Mark.

But as I sat there tonight, it occurred to me that Anthony, in telling his story, was doing the same thing that Mark had done in “Rent.” He helped us live as he watched others live. And in doing so, Mark (and Anthony) got to live, too.

Anthony was alive on stage tonight. In his music and stories, he brought with him those same feelings I’m drawn to in the “Rent” experience. Thank you, Anthony, for letting me live tonight, too.

Go. Live.


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Letter to the Editor

Massachusetts Governor Charlie Baker made me mad when he submitted his new budget. So I wrote a letter to the editor of The Worcester Telegram. In some strange Turing Test, they published it today.

Here is the link.

Here is the letter. They added the title:

Governor shouldn’t cut RLC funding

When my teen-aged daughter first attempted suicide, the Collaborative Assessment Program came to her rescue and helped save her life by getting her hooked up with the Department of Mental Health. Later, when the Legislature cut that program for everyone except children of families with Mass Health, I told them it will be their fault every time the next kid with private health insurance dies because of their shortsightedness.

They still haven’t fixed it.

Now, years later, my no-longer-quite-so-suicidal daughter has found a safe and welcoming place at one of a small number of DMH-funded Recovery Learning Communities across the state. Here she has found innovative and cost-effective solutions, including peer supports and a hearing-voices group, a place to accept and find meaning in her voices — the very same voices that always come back no matter how hard the doctors and hospitals and their antipsychotics try to silence them.

And here she finds the camaraderie of others, struggling, as she does, to remain in the community rather than locked away in some more terrible place. Now the governor wants to cut RLC funding by 50 percent. This seems to me like another shortsighted, unsafe, and, ultimately costly idea.


Published in the Worcester Telegram & Gazette, April 23, 2015.

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It’s Not About The Nail

As one who tries to fix things, I think it really is about the nail.


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How Many Diagnoses?

All throughout high school, I thought one diagnosis was enough. We had a “good” one, one that opened the doors for services. Schools said yes. Doctors would treat. State agencies would try to help.

But recently, I’m beginning to wonder about all those other diagnoses — the ones we stopped talking about when something better came along. Maybe they matter too. Because when there is more than one thing going on, maybe it’s important to be working on all of those things and not just the main “issue.”

Because maybe the main “issue” is really just a collection of a bunch of other issues, all of which have names, and all of which need some attention.


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First Episode Psychosis

I went to Psychiatry Grand Rounds this week at UMass Medical School. Eduardo Caussade-Rodriguez, MD, gave a talk entitled You Want Me to Order What? The Medical Workup for First-Episode Psychosis. He talked about all the tests psychiatrists routinely order for new patients with psychotic symptoms. They include a bunch of blood and other bodily fluid tests, an EEG, MRI or CT scan, and on. They are all very expensive. And they are all designed to rule out other causes for the psychosis rather than Schizophrenia, something you’d rather not be diagnosed with.

I remember all these tests. They took a long time. My insurance company paid a pile of money to get them done.

Although those tests must be important, I now wonder why they spend so much time and money trying to find out if the psychosis is caused by something other than what they hope it isn’t, rather than working on fixing what it probably is.

I now wonder if it might have been more productive if we had spent those resources talking to the psychiatrist, instead.


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